Uncharted
by Curly97
Summary: Trust is what holds everything together, without it, everything can fall apart. It's difficult to build, but can be easily distroyed within a few seconds. [MerDer] takes place after 11x16.
1. Chapter 1

Meredith's POV

In the OR, time loses all meaning. In the midst of sutures, and saving lives, the  
clock ceases to matter. 15 minutes. 15 hours. Inside the O.R. the best surgeons  
make time fly. Outside the O.R. however, time takes pleasure in kicking our asses.  
For even the strongest of us, it seems to play tricks. Slowing down, hovering...  
until it freezes.

I still remember, with embarrassing clarity, the first time that I met Derek. I was  
seated at the Emerald City Bar and Joe, the bartender, had just set another shot of  
Tequila down in front of me.

"You're going to be sorry tomorrow." Joe had warned me, though I dismissed it with  
a noncommittal shrug.

Before Joe had time to turn away and serve another patron, a man in a long sleeve  
red shirt slid onto the bar stool beside me and started talking.

_Great,_ I remember thinking as I tried my best to ignore him and not even to look at  
him.

"I'm someone you need to get to know to love."

My head whipped around to look at him and, with one sentence Dr. Derek Shepherd  
had gotten to me.  
That was the first time that my green eyes locked with his soft blue ones but, it was  
certainly not the last.

We started talking and continued drinking until, finally, we left the bar side by side.

XXX

The next morning, which was also my first day of work, found me next to him in my  
disastrously messy/mostly-unpacked house.

With a curse I jumped up, trying to preserve my shredded modesty. I told myself  
not to look at him and definitely not to ask his name. I was no stranger to one-night stands.

_They happen_, I reasoned as I went about my usual routine. I couldn't help it,  
though, as my brain registered his dark, curly hair.

I imagined the way that his eyes would look in the daylight;_ they'd be much more  
enchanting,_ I imagined.

_That_, I had to remind myself, _isn't important anymore_. I needed to focus on my life  
if I was ever supposed to fulfill my mother's wish for me to be an "extraordinary  
surgeon".

Not to mention that fact that I wasn't the kind of girl who goes on dates. I did not,  
and a part of me still does not, believe in true love. After all, never in my life had I  
known a person who had really loved me.

Of course when I had abandoned Derek and his beautiful eyes down in my living  
room to take a shower, I hadn't ever expected to see him again. In fact, I would  
have gone as far as to say that I was very sure that I wouldn't see Derek again, but  
apparently fate had different plans when I spotted him in his white coat.

Yes, something like this could only happen to me.  
It turned out that I had slept with my Boss.

XXX

Two months later, after Derek and I had given our relationship a chance, his wife,  
Addison, appeared in Seattle.

I remember that very well. We were about to go have dinner, when Derek suddenly  
apologized to me. It never crossed my mind that Derek could have a wife.  
After all, we were together, or something like that.

My heart broke into a thousand little pieces when I realized that I had become a  
home-wrecker. I _trusted_ him, I had invested in 'us' only to see 'us' shatter in front  
of my eyes.

A single phrase ran across my mind: _Life sucks._

_Why doesn't anybody love me?  
Why does everyone leave me?  
Why doesn't anyone ever choose __me__?_ I wondered before the mortifying memory  
crashed over me.

I had made a fool of myself when I told him, had essentially begged him, to pick  
me, choose me, love me. Only to have him chose Addison over me.

It was painful at first but, circumstances brought us back together.

In spite of it all, we got married, survived a shooting, a plane crash, built a house  
and had two beautiful children.

After beating those odds, I had thought that the bad things were over. Sure,  
sometimes we fought, but I reasoned, _that's normal for a married couple, right?_

Then everything changed when he got the job offer. I knew how much it meant to  
him, but I couldn't leave Seattle. I had finally found a place where I felt  
comfortable.  
I had my friends, my family, and my career here.

In retrospect, it probably would have been best if Zola, Bailey and I had followed  
Derek.

When he decided to accept the President's offer, I was so sure that we would make  
it. We both had the opportunity to do what we wanted. We were able to achieve our  
goals; to make a difference by pursuing our careers and, we were happy, we were  
going to make it. That's what I really thought, until that one fateful call.

All I wanted to do was tell Derek about my success, that we were on a streak, that  
we were amazing.

Then, an unknown woman answered his phone, and my dream shattered again. I  
immediately remembered a part of our dark past when I had thought my heart  
would never be whole again.  
I remembered the person who must have felt the same way: Addison.

_He wouldn't cheat on me, right?_

I told myself at first. And then I asked myself, and then the fear took over.

I knew what it felt like, to be lost and betrayed by the person who you loved so  
much.

I knew we were going through a rough patch when he left but, hadn't he thought of  
our children?  
Were we not important to him?  
Was I not important to him?

Surely, if I wasn't enough, then our children were, right?  
Did he not need us now that he had what he wanted?  
Had I done something wrong?

I tried to call him a few times but time and time again I was sent straight to his  
voice mail.

With each passing second that he was unreachable, my unwanted suspicions were  
strengthened.

"Mommy?" Zola's sweet voice suddenly brought me back to reality.

I tucked the blanket over her and gave her a kiss on her forehead.

"Yes?" I was stressed but, I was able to hide it from her. I'd never show my weak  
side in front of my children but, in my chest my heart was beating wildly.

"I miss Daddy." She sighed, closing her eyes.

"I know, Zozo." I patted her gently on her hair.

It hurt me that I wasn't able to tell her, when her father would come back home  
but, what hurt even more was that I couldn't promise her that he would come home  
at all.

"He misses you too," I said forcing a smile. I had to stay strong for her and Bailey,  
even if it was hard for me sometimes.

"Mommy?" She opened her eyes again, looking directly at me. "I love you."

"I love you too, sweetie." I waited until she was asleep before I got up from her  
bed, quietly closing the door behind me as I exhaled loudly, and sagged against it.

I was sure that Derek had cheated on me. Why else would this woman have picked  
up his cell phone?

_He's probably lying next to her and…_

I forced those thoughts aside and went into Bailey's room to check on him for the  
last time that night.  
Like his sister, he was fast asleep.

Some years ago I would not have thought that I would have this life; married, the  
mother of two perfect children, living in a picturesque house.

Derek was the one who showed me how great it was to have a real "Family".

I couldn't imagine that he had cheated on me, or at least I hadn't thought that he  
would, or even could.

With heavy steps, I went downstairs and sat down on the couch as my thoughts  
returned to the last few years.

We were not always happy, but I knew that he loved me.

Suddenly, someone rattled the door. My stomach tightened. _Who could it be at this  
time?_

I wondered as my body began to tremble with an unexplainable fear. I didn't know  
what to think as I stood up, opened the door and looked at those soft blue eyes  
that I missed so much.

Derek stood in front of me, completely real, and an indescribable cold spread  
through my Body.

I didn't know what to say or feel. It took me a few seconds to register what was  
going on. Then in slow motion, I moved aside to let him in.

His face was lined with worry and guilt, or did I imagine it? Would his next words  
change my life, our lives forever?  
Would I lose him?

"I took the first flight, left my keys." He interrupted my thoughts.

"Uh huh," was all I could say. I felt like I was going to throw up.

Derek looked at me straight in the eyes and heaved a deep breath.

"You called me, and a woman answered my phone." Did he think that I didn't know that?

Was he serious?  
I had to stay calm.

"I called you, and a woman answered your phone." I couldn't think of something  
better to say to him, so I just repeated his words.

He sounded so different.  
_Is it over?  
He loves you.  
He'd never cheat on you.  
_I told myself.

Yeah, he had made a promise a few years ago, but did he keep it?  
We had written our wedding vows on sticky notes.

"Meredith?" Derek took a few steps towards me, but I raised my hands to Keep a  
certain distance.

I didn't want him to be this close when he told me that he had cheated on me with  
that perky, tall woman with the great hair.

"We," he took a deep breath before continuing. "We're in Trouble."

We were in trouble? If someone was in trouble, it was him, I vowed.

_Your marriage is in trouble,_ a voice said in my head.

I took a step back; I had to get away from him. It was bad enough to look into his  
eyes and see the guilt in them. I couldn't ignore it.

"We?" I asked with a surprisingly firm voice. He nodded. I was angry, beyond  
angry. I just wanted to know why she had picked up his phone.

"What have you done? Tell me the truth." I prepared myself for the words, that  
would break my heart again into a thousand little pieces; again.

Derek's POV

I looked at her for a moment and then took a deep breath.

"I was in my office when Renee came in. She is the woman who talked to you. It  
just happened." I paused.

"We" I stopped again. Before I could finish, I heard a small whimper from Bailey's  
room.

The sad look in her eyes brought tears to mine.

"You don't have to say anything, Derek. It's okay. I'm fine. But," she paused, "just  
go." Her voice trembled. "Bailey needs me."

I wanted to hold her but she pushed me away.

"I don't want to hear it"  
another pause "I,"

My heart pounded in my ears.

"Go."

It was said with such finality.

"Mer, please let me explain." I tried again; I begged.

"Don't make it harder than it already is. You can see the kids tomorrow, if you want  
to. But I can't do this now."

She threw me one last tortured look then turned back  
and quickly ran upstairs.

A/N: I've decided to edit the story- hope you like it:)  
Tell me what you think:)


	2. Chapter 2

Meredith's POV

I was so relieved that Bailey woke up.

Normally I would hate the interruption to my sleep, especially since it's not good for  
me to lack of sleep when I have surgeries all day long. This time, however, his  
midnight disturbance was my savior.

Derek didn't say that he cheated on me but, he had wanted to; and I had no idea if  
I'd survive that.

Before he came home, I had wanted to hear it from him. It probably would have  
destroyed me mentally but I had to be strong, and I knew that I could be. When  
he'd wanted to tell me what had happened, however, I hadn't wanted to hear it  
because it would be too real.

I hoped that he had taken my advice and left because I couldn't look at him; it  
made me sick.

"Mommy!" Bailey sat in his bed, and stretched his small arms out to me when I  
walked into his room.

"Oh Bails!" I exclaimed, hurrying over to my son. "Did you have a bad dream?"

I tried not to think about Derek and his little lab rat but, I failed miserably.

I couldn't stop imagining his hands on her body. _'Stop it, Bailey needs you.'_ I  
thought firmly.

"Daddy." He sobbed.

I wanted a better life for my children. I wanted to give them everything I'd never  
had. Was he crying because he heard us?

I tightened my hug around him and tried my best to swallow the tears that had  
been threatening to fall the entire evening.

"Tomorrow he'll come home." I comforted as I stroked his hair.

_Was it wrong to send Derek away?_ I fretted. _'He cheated on you! Do you want to  
sleep next to him? Act like nothing happened?_' Screamed a voice in my head.

"Try to sleep, little man." I tried to reassure Bailey.

'_Derek shouldn't have gone to D. C. Why had I pushed him?'_ My inner tirade  
continued.

"No!" Bailey fisted my t-shirt with his fingers.

"Ok, ok. You can sleep in mommy's bed tonight. How does that sound?" With shaky  
legs I stood up and carried Bailey in my room.

I put him into bed. "I'll be right back." I whispered and gave him a kiss on his  
forehead.

I went outside the room and stopped. There was a click of the front door closing  
and locking from outside.

"He's really gone." I said quietly to myself.

Quietly, I opened Zola's door and saw that she had rolled into her blanket and was  
sleeping soundly.

I didn't want to wake her up, so I snuck out of her room and went back to my room  
and Bailey.

He was already asleep. I laid down next to him, staring at my son and reminiscing  
about the day he was Born.

XXX

After the miscarriage, Derek and I didn't think I'd be able to get pregnant so we  
decided to adopt and had Zola.

Then, a miracle happened when I got pregnant with Bailey and carried him to term.

I still remembered how happy I was when I first heard him crying: that was our  
son.

I was so naïve, thinking that everything would be all right, that our family was  
complete.

XXX

My heart jumped when my phone suddenly vibrated.  
I looked at the caller ID: it was Maggie.

"Hello?" I whispered.

"Mer." She sounded worried.

"Maggie, what's the matter? Aren't you at the Hospital?" I had gotten used to the  
idea that she was my half-sister and, to be honest, I was glad that I had her.

Maggie took a deep breath. "It's Derek," there was a pause, "I," another hesitation,  
"He's at the hospital." She finally blurted.

I didn't know what to say to her. Had she spoken to him?  
Why did he go to the Hospital?

'_Why are you wondering? You told him to go, and the hospital is the only place he  
could go to._' That little voice inside of my head reminded me as I got out of bed,  
doing my best not to disturb Bailey.

"He was here." I decided to be honest as I closed the door to my bedroom.

"What? When? Did he, I mean, did you talk about it?" She was nervous, I could  
hear it in her voice.

"He cheated on me." I said quickly. I thought it wouldn't hurt that much, if I said it  
quick but, the truth was if anything, I felt more horrible.

"With his Research fellow."  
I forced the rest of that awful truth out.

'_Don't start to cry._' I told myself.

Silence.  
The only thing I could hear was her breathing.

"Are you serious?" She asked, shocked.

"No, that was a joke." I laughed harshly as I went back down to the kitchen to  
make myself a cup of tea.

"I would never have thought that he could do this to you, to your family! And I said  
hello to him! God, how could he?"

I felt a warm rush of gratitude towards my younger half-sister for her loyalty to me.

"I'm not good enough. Like I said before, history repeats itself." Yes, I felt pity for  
Addison, even after all these years - she must have felt terrible, after the prom.

'_Addison did betray him first_.' I was really beginning to hate that inner voice.

"Mer?"

I splashed boiling water on my hand. "Shit!" I hissed, dropping the kettle onto the  
marble countertop with a Crash.

"Are you alright?" She asked.

"Fine." I bit out as I ran cold water over my Hand.

"Should I come over?" She asked, her tone cautious.

"No, you're still recovering from that concussion. Get some rest, don't come over.  
I'm fine, really." I said.

She laughed briefly. "It's not a problem for me to come over. To be honest, I don't  
want to be here alone. I…"  
I had the feeling that she wanted to tell me something, but she stopped speaking.

"Ok." I was grateful for her offer.

"I'll see you soon." She said, and then the call disconnected.

Just as I sat down, my cell phone rang again.

"Callie?" Had she seen Derek?

"Derek is here. He flew to Seattle, in the middle of the night, because he -"

I cut her off. "I know that he's in Seattle, Callie." No, I couldn't say it again; it hurt  
too badly to say the words out loud.

'_If it is difficult, just walk away, start again'_ that hateful voice advised.

'_I thought that he had loved me_' I reasoned.

'_You shouldn't have let him be a part of your life.' _the voice continued.

No, it was wrong to think something like that. I was grateful for my two perfect  
children.

I couldn't imagine a life without them. Even when I worked so much and was barely  
home, my kids knew that I was always there for them and that I loved them.

I was a good mother.

"Mer, he looks stressed. Did you guys talk to each other?" Callie wanted to know.

"Callie, I'm tired. We can talk tomorrow, OK?" I just wanted a little time for myself.

If it were possible, I'd eagerly drink a whole bottle of Tequila by myself.

"Oh OK." Callie said, though it was clear that she didn't think anything was 'ok'.

I hung up without saying another word.

I needed Christina, I reflected, as I set the phone down. I briefly thought about  
calling her, but I knew what she would say.

As I turned back to my mug of tea I hoped that Maggie would arrive soon. I had to  
stop thinking about Derek and, I didn't want to be alone.

_'I should talk to him'_, I mused. He had to explain everything to me, even if it would  
hurt me.

But not tonight, I resolved.

From outside there was a flash of headlights, followed by footsteps on the porch,  
and a knock at the door.

Not wanting to wake the kids, I quickly stood up.

"Hey," Maggie held up a bottle of tequila, which I eyed longingly.

"Come in," I breathed. I probably looked like a ghost - I certainly felt miserable  
enough.

'_Is Derek still at the hospital?_' I wondered before I could help myself.

Maggie waved the bottle in front of my face. "I brought this, I thought it'd help  
you."

I nodded at her gratefully. "Thanks, I can't drink too much though, I have to get up  
early, to take the children to daycare."

Before Derek moved to D. C. he often took them to daycare, so I could spend some  
evenings with my friends.

'_It's not like it used to be'_ I thought bitterly.

'_You have to face reality now._' I sighed and we sat down on the Couch.

"You probably shouldn't drink." I said as a side thought.

"What?" She looked quizzically at me for a moment before she had understood.

"Oh." She nodded quickly. "You're right. With the concussion that's probably not a  
good idea."

"Hmm." I agreed.

"Did he try to call you at all?" She asked carefully as I went into the kitchen to fetch  
a glass.

"No. He left when I asked him to." I replied. "Do you want anything?" I offered.

"I guess water would be fine." She said.

I poured her a glass, and returned to the couch with my own glass in Hand.

"I still can't believe it. I mean, Derek doesn't seem like the guy who would cheat on  
his wife." Maggie exclaimed, throwing up her hands in disbelief as I set both glasses  
on the coffee table.

There was it again; 'Cheat'.

I hated that word before, but now I hated it even more. I had a feeling that the  
word was poisonous, and I darkly mused that it would be the death of me.

"I thought—" a single tear fell down on the back of my hand. I didn't care if Maggie  
had seen it.

"I thought we could do this. I was sure that we'd make it. I tried, not just for Zola  
and Bailey. I tried because I love him." More tears wanted to flow, but I made an  
effort to pull myself together.

If I let the dam break now, then there would be no going back; no feigning  
strength.

She gently placed a hand on my shoulder. Her gaze was sad. "I can't imagine what  
you're going through now, but if you need anything, tell me. I could watch the kids  
if you need time to yourself."

She didn't say it because she felt sorry for me. No, she said it because I meant  
something to her.  
I could see it in her eyes.

Normally, I wasn't a person who cried, but it was too much; I couldn't hold my  
tears back from falling.

There were tears of sadness, anger, loneliness, pain, and love.

"I thought he loved me. We have been through so many things." I thought about  
the Shooting.

_How would our life be, if I hadn't lost the Baby?_ I wondered.

Maggie didn't say anything, she just held me in her arms, as if she was trying to  
protect me from everything. Like she was my big sister; like a person who loved  
me.

Suddenly, my thoughts turned to Lexie. I missed her. At first, I had a few problems  
accepting the fact that she was my half-sister and trusting her, but she had  
eventually become one of the most important people in my life.

'_What would she do in this situation?' _I asked myself.

_'She would have told you that you should listen to him.' _I knew it without having to  
ponder the Situation.

Lexie had always been so optimistic - the exact opposite of me. And I had loved her  
for that.

I had the feeling that my life was a constant cycle that never changes: once I  
trusted a person, and let them be a part of my life, they left me – again and again.

"Why is life always so fucked up?" I sniffled. I wanted to stop crying but, I couldn't.

It hurt too much.

"I don't know." Maggie whispered sadly.

I was sure that I must be scaring her with my behavior. There weren't many People  
who had seen me cry.

Ellis had taught me from a young age; never show weakness. I pulled away from  
her and poured myself a shot of tequila, which I swallowed in one long swig.

The burning feeling that I felt when I gulped the liquor down was perfect for  
overriding all other feelings. I felt like the pain would go away, and that was exactly  
what I needed to get through the night.

We didn't talk - the only sound I heard was the blood rushing through my veins.

I lost track of time until Maggie suddenly took the glass out of my Hand.

"You should stop. Zola and Bailey will need you in the morning."

Although I nodded my vacant agreement, the only thing I could think about was  
Derek sleeping with that woman.  
What did she have what I didn't?

I wanted to say something, to protest against the fact that Maggie had taken my  
glass, but I didn't have the power to do it.

"I don't know what to do," I admitted truthfully.

"I don't know how to do it alone. I can live without him, but I don't want to." I let  
my eyes wander around the room.

"We built this house, we're a family. He changed me. He made me a better person,  
and now?" I shook my head in despair.

"I'd like to give you an answer, but I can't...Maybe you should try to get some  
sleep?" She suggested quietly.

I wouldn't sleep that night anyway, but maybe some rest would be good. "Yes,  
you're right. Do you want to stay here?" I tried to smile at her.

"You probably want to be alone." She stood up and was about to put on her jacket.

"Please stay." I looked at her pleadingly.

"I – the kids would be happy about it."

I had no idea what had come over me, but I couldn't be alone. The house felt so  
empty and cold.

"All right, I'll stay," she smiled warmly, giving me a hug.

As I was lay in my bed several minutes later I stared impassively at the ceiling -  
everything seemed like a nightmare.

I was hoping I would wake up the next morning, and everything would be back to  
normal.

'_You have to accept the truth. He cheated on you_' I told myself.

I needed answers, I realized. I needed to know why he had done it, and then I had  
to decide what my next steps would be.

So I sent him a message:  
'Derek - We need to talk. My shift starts at 12:00 PM, Meet me in the Lobby.  
-Meredith'

I looked at my sleeping son - how could Derek give up our family, his family, so  
easily?

Would he leave us for her?

Eventually I drifted to sleep, with thoughts of Derek and Renee swimming through  
my mind.

A/N: So, what do you guys think about this chapter?  
Please Review:)


	3. Chapter 3

Derek's POV

'_What was I expecting from Mer?'_

I wondered as I found myself shut out of the home that I had built for us.

'_You wanted her to listen to you.'_

At first, I had thought that she would give me a chance to explain everything but  
then Bailey had started to cry.

'_You should have told her directly that you didn't cheat on her.'_

I reflected as I walked slowly out to my car. I wanted to tell her the story from the  
beginning.

After all, we had promised to always be honest with each other.

'_Yes, but then you kissed Renee.'_

I could hardly describe my feelings. I was afraid, afraid to lose everything that I  
had fought for in recent years. Meredith was the woman that I wanted to spend the  
rest of my life with. She had given me all that I had ever wanted.

'_And yet, you throw it away without thinking._' I thought angrily.

She had opened up to me, had forgiven me for the thing with Addison and Rose – I  
should never have let this happen.  
You could call me a selfish asshole; I might even go as far as to agree that yes, it  
was the best description for me.

"Please go now."

"Don't make this harder than it already is."

"I can't."

I couldn't get her words out of my head. I heard them repeated again and again,  
haunting me.

I needed to explain to her that I didn't actually want to go but, I knew I also had to  
respect her wishes.

"Damn it!" I yelled out into the dark night.

Everything had collapsed on itself – everything that Meredith and I had built  
together.  
All because I had kissed Renee.

I had to get away from our house – I needed someone to talk to.

'_Will anyone believe me?_' I asked myself as I turned the key in the ignition.

I drove to the only place that I could think of: the Hospital.

'_This is where everything started'_, I thought with a sad smile on my lips as I  
stepped through the entrance and looked around.

_'Well, almost where everything started,'_ I corrected, thinking about that night so  
long ago in the bar across the street.

This, though, was where I had spent most of my time with Meredith, where our  
relationship had taken root.

I was lost in thought when suddenly someone spoke to me.

"Derek?"

I winced, turning around. "Oh, Dr. Pierce. Good to see you."

I suddenly realized that I had no idea if Meredith and her half-sister got along. I  
could only hope that their relationship had improved.

What I had wished the most for Meredith was a family; people who stood behind  
her and loved her unconditionally.

"I didn't know that you were coming to Seattle." She smiled uncertainly at me.

"Um...It was a very spontaneous idea. I wanted to surprise Meredith and the Kids,"  
I lied.

Maggie didn't have to know what had happened. I was sure that Mer didn't want me  
to tell someone.

"Great!" she breathed. "I'm sure you want to go home to see your family, right?"

She smiled before continuing, "See ya."

I breathed a sigh of relief, when Maggie went away.

'_It seems that she knows nothing'_

Without having a specific goal, I wandered through the hospital. On the way, some  
people greeted me, but I didn't talk to them.

"Derek?" I heard a voice that I knew only too well. I exhaled deeply and turned to  
see her looking at me in a mixture of disbelief, and to my surprise, joy.

"Hi Amy." I said, as I realized that, after she got over her initial surprise at seeing  
me, she looked genuinely happy.  
I hadn't seen this sparkle in her eyes for years.

'_At least she's doing better than I am._' I mused.

"What are you doing here?" She asked, hugging me at the same time.

"Meridith didn't say a word about you coming back."

"Surprise visit." I replied, but I knew that she didn't buy my lie.

"In the middle of the night at the hospital?" She sounded unconvinced.

I nodded. "Everything is alright, Amy." I tried to assure her.

She looked at me for a few seconds. "What did you do?"

I raised my hands. "Nothing at all, really, believe me."

'_Who was I trying to convince here?_'I wondered.  
Amy knew me too well.

"Come with me." It was not a question, rather a prompt.

I had no desire to argue with her, so I followed her into her Office.

'_Now she has your job._' I felt slightly jealous, though I tried to suppress the  
emotion as we entered her office - my old Office.

"So, tell me what's going on." She demanded when she was seated behind her  
desk.

"What do you want to hear from me, Amy?" I asked slightly annoyed.

"What I want to hear from you?" She raised her eyebrows.

"I'm wondering why you show up in Seattle in the middle of the night at the  
hospital, instead of being with your family." She hissed.

I was not sure whether I really should tell her. Yes, she was my sister, but  
somehow I had a bad Feeling.

"I told you, I want to surprise her," I tried to explain.

"Derek." She fixed me with a glare. "We both know that your marriage with Mer is  
on the rocks."

I groaned. "Amy." I didn't want to hear it from her – I already knew it, but it hurt to  
admit it.

"Don't 'Amy' me! We both know it. In the last few weeks, I've spent more time with  
your wife and your kids than you have." She sounded sad.

"Meredith supports me wherever she can. So she tells me things."

'_Was she mad at me because I had left Seattle and my Family?'_

My hands shook - Amy was right. Since I had begun to work in D.C. I had neglected  
my Family.

"I..."  
Would she condemn me for the kiss?

"I've made a big mistake." I swallowed. "And I don't know if Mer and I will make it."  
I finally admitted.

Amelia shook her head. "Oh, no. Don't tell me that you found a young thing in D.C.  
Don't tell me, that she's your resident, and that you slept with her." Her voice was  
getting louder.

"Please don't tell me, because if I'm right, I'll freaking kill you! You have kids! You  
can't repeat that, Derek. Addison was like a sister to me, and with Meredith, I'm  
even better than with my sisters, so, tell me the truth, right now. What did you do,  
you idiot?!"

I sighed audibly. I still couldn't believe what had happened in D.C.

"Renee...we've kissed," I finally confessed.

Amelia's mouth opened but, no words came out; she was just staring at me angrily.

"And nothing more? You just kissed her?" she asked in disbelief.

I tried to defend myself. "It just happened. At that moment I imagined that Renee  
was Meredith."

She laughed bitterly. "It just happened? I can't believe it, Derek!"

I sighed and lowered my head. "I know it was wrong, but, I tried to talk to Mer  
about it."

"Yeah, surprise visit." She grumbled and got up.

"She thinks that I slept with Renee." It was like a stab in my heart when I spoke  
the words. I would never have thought about cheating on Meredith but, I had  
kissed another woman.

"It was just one kiss?" Amelia was standing close in front of me. "Tell me the truth."

"Yes, one kiss I-" her pager interrupted me, but she didn't even look at it.

"You?" She pressed.

"Don't you have to go?"

"We still have to end our conversation," she said calmly, crossing her hands over  
her chest as she glared at me.

"Amy." I was frustrated, sad, worried - I couldn't put my feelings into words. "We  
kissed, nothing more. I don't know what came over me."

She looked down at her pager before nodding at me. "I don't know what to say to  
you, and I really have to go. Give Mer some time and try to talk to her tomorrow."

"Yes, that was the plan. I wanted to see the kids tomorrow anyway," I murmured.  
My face brightened at the thought of Zola and Bailey.

"Don't think that she's going to believe you so easily." She said before she left me  
alone.

I had to fight for Meredith and our family. I couldn't allow this insignificant kiss to  
destroy everything I had and loved.

I was still sitting in Amelia's office when my work phone lit up with an unexpected  
message.

I was so excited, when I read Mer's name that the hand, that I held my phone in  
began to shake.

'Derek - We need to talk. My shift starts at 12:00 PM, Meet me in the Lobby.  
-Meredith'

Tears burned in my eyes. It was just a kiss - it was unforgivable, though. Hopefully  
she'd believe me.

"I'm sure that she even can't look at me." I laughed bitterly out loud.

What should I do?  
What could I do to save my marriage and our Family?

To be able to think about everything, I had to get out of the hospital. I needed  
fresh air.  
I had to think about how I would show her that I would fight for her and our Family.

Just as I got up, Amelia came back.

"Where are you going?" She looked tired, but happy.

"I wanted to get some fresh air. To clear my head, at least a little," I replied.

She nodded and rubbed her neck. "Not a bad idea. Do you need anything?" She  
offered.

"Meredith wants to talk to me." I blurted out.

On one hand I was happy that she gave me another chance to explain it to her, but  
at the same time I was scared. How could I convince Mer, that it was nothing more  
than a kiss between Renee and I?

"Oh." Was the only thing Amelia said.

I sighed. "Amy, I'm going to tell her everything. How it happened, what happened,  
but-" I shook my head.

"But?" She looked at me suspiciously.

"She won't believe me. I probably wouldn't believe me if I were her. I mean, I  
cheated on Addison with Mer."

She interrupted me quickly. "This is not the same, Derek."

"Actually, it is. Addison and I wanted to try, and then I was with Mer at the prom in  
an exam room. Amy, it took Mer a long time to trust me completely. And now? I've  
destroyed everything," I said with a shaking voice.

"Stop that." She hissed. "Stop wallowing in self-pity. You _knew_ it wouldn't be easy.  
You say you wanted to try together, but neither of you really tried, did you?  
Instead, you plunged into your respective work."

"She wanted me to go to D. C." I said aloud. "What was I supposed to do?"

Anger rose in me. She could blame me for kissing Renee. but I was not to blame for  
the fact that I had taken the job. Mer was the one who had pushed me to take it.

"Are you kidding me?" She asked incredulously.

I got up and opened the door. "I don't need to explain myself to you."

I would never had imagined that our conversation would end like that.

I had to think of the day when I had told Amy how I really felt - I should have told  
Meredith those things instead.

"I don't know who I am anymore." I was not a good brother and husband anymore.

"I try and make the right choices for Meredith, the kids, you." I had told Amy. "All I  
do is hurt people. The last people I want to hurt. I don't know what to do anymore."

Because of that, I had probably thought that it would be best to go to D. C. so I  
couldn't hurt them. But in the end, it had been the wrong decision. I always made  
the wrong decisions.

D. C. was not what was important to me. It had taken me leaving and, admittedly,  
Renee kissing me to realize that Mer, Zola, Bailey and Amy were the most  
important things in my life. They were the people who had believed in me, who had  
loved me the way I was. I was a part of the family that I had always wanted.

I thought of the time when we had to fight so hard for Zola. I blamed Meredith for  
everything. I knew that she wanted only the best for our little girl, I couldn't trust  
her, though.

So Meredith was the one who had given up her dream of working as a  
neurosurgeon - because of me and Zola, to save our family, to safe our marriage.

While I was on my way to the entrance, I was thinking about those things, without  
looking left and right.

"Dr. Shepherd?" Why did I have to meet Meredith's friends constantly today?

"Hello Dr. Karev." I tried to be polite.

He tilted his head slightly to the side. It seemed as if he was thinking about  
something.

I wanted to go, but then he grabbed my arm firmly. "We should talk." He said  
quietly.

"Alex." I was aware that I called him by his first name. "I have to get something  
done."

"It won't take long." He insisted.

It was clear that I couldn't get away. "All right." We went into a on-call room. No  
one sat down.

"Ok, maybe it's wrong, but I'm Mer's person now, or whatever." He sounded calm,  
his eyes looked at me angrily, though.

I nodded - he knew that Renee had picked up my phone.

"It looks like she's feeling alright, like it wouldn't bother her that she has to live  
here alone, without her husband. But really it drives her crazy and, even that's an  
Understatement."

I had not thought that Alex would say something like that but, he cared about  
Meredith. My throat felt tight, so I said nothing.

"The kids are asking every day when daddy will come home, and she can't give  
them an answer. She wanted to give them a better life, Derek-"

I could feel his breath on my face, so close was he standing in front of me.

"If you cheated on her, tell her. Don't play with her. She deserves the truth. Not  
only her, but the kids too. I know, no matter what happened, that she won't stop  
loving you. You should know that. Even though I think that she deserves someone  
who makes her truly happy. She'll never stop loving you. But not a word to anyone  
about that."

He hadn't raised his voice, he had remained quiet all the time. Only his eyes told  
how angry and disappointed he was.

"Alex, I didn't-" My voice was shaking.

"I don't want to know. I only care about Meridith, ok?"

I felt as if he had slapped me in the face; maybe he was right. The only thing I did  
was hurt Meredith.

"I love her. I can't imagine a life without her and the kids. She's my everything."

A/N: Derek told Amelia what happened. To me it felt right to write something  
like that.  
I have to say, when I wrote this chapter, I missed Mark. He was always a part of  
Derek's life. I'm sure that Mark would'_**ve helped**_ Derek in this Situation.  
Let me know your thoughts:)


	4. Chapter 4

Meredith's POV

The hours were passing quickly and my attempts to get some sleep that night had  
failed.

Different scenarios of how the Affair could have started with Derek and the tall  
woman with the great hair played out in my head.

At least Bailey had no idea what was going on.

Bailey was sleeping beside me, breathing evenly. I was sure that he'd get up in an  
hour, he never slept that long. I tried to let his breath calm me, but it hurt so much  
to think about how Derek's hands slid down Renee's Body.

Was she younger than me?

That wasn't the only question that I had asked myself in the last few hours.

He had looked so sad when he arrived – he seemed exhausted, as if he was  
carrying a huge burden on his shoulders that was going to kill him.

I had looked at the screen of my cell phone the whole night, but I didn't get a  
single message from Derek.

"Maybe he doesn't want to talk." I said quietly into the silence. I felt empty and  
weak, though I wouldn't admit that to anyone. I barely told someone when I felt  
miserable. Instead I tried to distract myself with work, or tequila - to Forget.

I wrapped my arms protectively around Bailey's little body - he was still my little  
miracle.

At least I had my children, I reflected.

It was bad that Maggie had seen me so fragile. Yes, she was my half-sister but,  
how could I be sure that she wouldn't tell someone what had happened?

I didn't know who I could trust anymore now that Cristina was gone.

Cristina. I should call her but, I never had enough time. No, that was a lie. The  
horrible truth was, I didn't want to admit that she was right. Derek and I have  
problems, and this time I wasn't sure that we could fix them.

Already, a new day was dawning, when I got up to look out the window. The sky  
was covered in grey clouds, and raindrops pattered hard against the window - it  
seemed as if the rain wanted to show me that it felt sorry for me too.

'_You've become soft, Meredith, to think something like that'_

Cristina probably would have laughed about my thoughts. I missed my person. I  
could always tell her how I felt, and she understood me.

Without thinking about it, I dialed her number and, was sent straight to Voicemail.  
Maybe she was in surgery or had a meeting, I thought - Here it was 06:00 am so in  
Zurich it had to be 03:00 pm.

I spoke softly so I wouldn't wake Bailey up. "Hi Cristina. I know I shouldn't have  
called you but-"

What should I say to her?

"Lots of things have changed and without you it's not the same anymore. Call me  
back if you have enough time." I hung up and took a deep breath.

This would be a tough day, I thought, as I looked for fresh clothes and yawned. I  
was tired, but I wouldn't be getting any more sleep. So I decided to shower.

As I was standing in under the stream of water, I tried to think about nothing and  
just enjoy its relaxing stream on my body. I was fine until I washed my hair with  
my lavender conditioner.  
Derek had insisted that I couldn't change it; he said that he would miss the smell.

'_Perhaps I should buy another one that doesn't smell like lavender.' _I thought and  
put the bottle on the floor.

Ten minutes later, I turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. The  
sudden cold around me made me shiver. I quickly grabbed a towel from the closet  
and wrapped it around my body. While I looked at myself in the mirror, I noticed  
that I had lost weight.

I had always been thin, but what I saw now didn't look healthy. Also, my eyes had  
lost their sparkle - something had to change. I hastily got dressed and put some  
make-up on to look less pale, something I rarely did.

"Zola?" I sat next to her on her bed, stroking her back. "Time to get up."

I tried to sound cheerful, but then the thoughts came back: Derek with that  
woman.

"No," she mumbled sleepily.

A soft smile played on my lips, in this way, she was just like me. I hated getting up  
early.

I tried again. "When you get up, you can have waffles for breakfast, and you want  
to play with Sofia in daycare, don't you?"

"Waffles?" She immediately turned around and looked at me expectantly.

"Yeah, but only if you get up." I gave her a kiss on her cheek.

"So?"

"Waffles!" She exclaimed loudly as she sat up.

_'Hopefully Maggie wouldn't mind making some_' I thought. My cooking and baking  
skills were still not the best. I could cook spaghetti with tomato sauce, but that was  
about it.

Together we searched for an outfit that she could wear. While she got dressed, I  
went to Bailey, who was still asleep in my bed.

"Good morning, little man." I said softly.

"Mama."

I picked him up. "Are you still tired?" I tried to sound surprised. "I thought  
you're a morning person, like Daddy."

He smiled at me. "Daddy!"

I nodded. "Daddy will come home today."

I was afraid to talk to Derek - would he show up at all? He still hadn't sent me a  
message.

Maggie was already in the kitchen when the three of us came down the stairs.  
She smiled at us. "I have made waffles. I hope that's ok?" She handed me a cup of  
coffee.

"You're an angel." I replied gratefully.

During breakfast Zola told us about her plans with Sofia. It was a beautiful morning  
and for a few minutes I forgot what Derek had done.

"Should I take the kids to daycare? I have to go to the hospital anyway." Maggie  
asked as she brought her cup to the sink.

I was busy wiping Bailey's mouth. "Are you sure it's not an inconvenience?"

"No, it's fun." She winked at me.

Fortunately, the kids didn't mind Maggie taking them to daycare. A few minutes  
later I was alone at home.

I went over to the couch and sat down. The fatigue that had spread throughout my  
body seemed to paralyze me - I wasn't able to move an Inch.

The only thing I was still perceiving were the sadness, the pain and the incessant  
rain.

I stared into space as the realization slowly set in. This was reality. Everything until  
now; falling in love with Derek, adopting Zola, having Bailey - it had all been too  
good to be true.

How could I be so foolish to think that I could have my happily ever after? After so  
many years of being alive, I should know better. Everyone left me, I thought. Ellis,  
Thatcher, Lexie, Cristina, and now Derek.

They were all gone; I'm never good enough and, a part of me truly thought that I'd  
never be good enough. Ellis always said so. Thatcher had another family and Lexie  
died right in front of me. I am a doctor, I reflected, but I could not even save my  
own baby sister.

Then it was Cristina, my best friend, my twisted sister. Christina left and I fell  
apart.

Now, it was Derek.

I was so naive to think I could ever have happiness. Had I really wanted a fairytale  
ending to begin with? Didn't I push everyone out of my life?

I knew it well. Derek himself had said so. I pushed Ellis away for the longest time.  
When Thatcher came to me, I ignored him too. Same with Lexie, and now, even  
Cristina. I'd pushed her to go to Zurich. It was what was best for her, sure, but I  
had pushed her by ignoring her calls, avoiding her altogether.

And now, was I going to lose Derek too?

At some point I'd be alone, without no one.

Stomach acid rose up my esophagus, but I couldn't get up. I understood why he  
had cheated on me. I was the one who had pushed him to take the job. I had given  
him the feeling that I didn't love him, that I didn't want him to be with us.

I had never visited him, we barely talked to each other. I was the one who was  
responsible for the fact, that my marriage had become a mess and that my children  
just talked to their father once a day, when he called.

I took him from our children - I was like Ellis, Derek had been right.

Probably, Bailey and Zola would hate me, when they were able to understand  
everything.

Derek wanted to be with me, Zola and Bailey, but what had I done to be with  
them?

My sadness was overshadowed by anger - anger at myself. I clenched my fists and  
exhaled loudly.

Again and again my thoughts wandered around those things - it seemed like they  
were in a circle from which they couldn't break out. I was swimming in a sea made  
of thoughts and feelings. Like small waves they crashed over me; I couldn't stop  
thinking. At some point I forgot about everything - I was just sitting there,  
motionless.

When the bell rang, I assumed that Maggie had forgotten something, but it was  
Derek who was standing in front of me.

To be honest, I was surprised to see him here. I thought that I had told him  
yesterday that he could see the kids, I wasn't ready for our talk though.

He cleared his throat. "Hi." He whispered. I tried to look into his eyes, but he  
looked down.

"What are you doing here?" I asked him quietly - I didn't have the power to fight  
with him.

"Oh," for a brief moment he looked up. "You wanted to meet me at the hospital, but  
then, I thought that something was wrong and-" he stuttered.

"I what?" I said in disbelief, but then I remembered that I had sent him a message.

Quickly I tried to downplay the fact that I had forgotten about it - everyone forgot  
something, right?

"Um, I lost track of time," I lied.

"Mer, you-" he stopped and shook his head. "You lost track of time."

I nodded in Agreement.

"I probably should call the hospital, my shift has already started," I took a look at  
my watch - it was past 01:30 pm.

"Yeah," he murmured, "that's a good idea."

"Come in," I offered, and he quietly closed the door behind him as he followed me  
into the kitchen without saying another word. I quickly called the hospital and told  
them that I had an appointment.

Last night I had tried to imagine how this conversation would go, but now it was no  
longer important to me. I didn't feel the need to yell at him, I just wanted to hear  
the truth - I was ready for his words.

"Would you like something to drink?" I asked as normal as I could.

"What?" For a moment our eyes met - he was afraid.

"If you want a coffee or," I trailed off. This was ridiculous - it was his house too. I  
shouldn't ask him what he wanted to drink.

"Oh." He shook his head slightly. "No, thanks, I had enough coffee today already."

"Ok." I put the dishes in the dishwasher to distract me somehow. Did I really want  
to know? Did I really think he'd tell me the truth, that he had slept with another  
woman?

I pushed the thought that I had forgotten about the message aside.

"Meredith." I hadn't realized that he was standing so close behind me. My breathing  
quickened.

"Stop." I turned to face him. "Let me start, then you can say anything you want."

"Mer, please-" He looked desperate.

Was our marriage over?

"Derek." I said as firmly as I could. I could feel myself beginning to shake, but I  
held it in.

He nodded and took a step back. "Ok, talk."

I closed my eyes. "I know I'm hard to handle sometimes, and I know that I can  
drive you crazy. The almost-drowning, the not talking. But, you have to know that I  
never want to hurt you, or give you the impression that I don't love you. It was  
hard for me to get used to the feeling of being loved. I've told you enough about  
my mother, that you know that I never really had a family before. No one has ever  
loved me like you do and, at first, I was scared! I had no idea what to do! So I  
thought about running away. In the end I gave you a chance, though."

I paused for a moment to hold back my tears. "You showed me what love is. I was  
sure that I could trust you. We both have changed in the last few years. We have  
Zola and Bailey. I never thought that I could be a good mother, you were the one  
who convinced me that I could do it, though. You believed in me, we have a Family.  
And now?"

"We didn't-" He wanted to touch me, but I flinched away.

"I'm not done yet." I said louder than I had intended.

"I wanted you to go to D.C. because I thought that we could do it, although it  
wouldn't be easy, for either of us. We've gone through so many things. I wanted  
you to live your dream. I wanted to know if I could do it alone, without you being  
around all the time, being a good mother and surgeon at the same time. I did it,  
but I missed you." Now I looked at him directly. "When I tried to call you, I thought  
that you were at home, and not at work. I wanted to tell you those things. You  
should know that I missed you, and you? You, you've cheated on me. You slept  
with another woman."

Finally, I said it - I wasn't angry, just tired.

"I haven't slept with her, Meredith, we, we only kissed." He sounded hurt, sad,  
exhausted.

"I, God, I could never cheat on you." He stretched his hand out to me.

The thoughts in my head were spinning around - he hadn't slept with her? Or was  
he lying?

"Please Derek, if you have slept with her, just tell me. Don't you think that I  
deserve the truth?" I was close to tears, but I wouldn't lose it in front of him.

"Meredith, after Renee and I kissed, I immediately flew to Seattle. I was in such a  
hurry that I forgot my phone and my keys in my office, Believe me, I don't know  
what came over me. I'm glad that I had my work phone in my jacket. I just wanted  
to leave, to come back to Seattle. That's the reason why she had picked up my  
phone." He looked at me pleadingly.

I lowered my head. "I wish I could believe you."

Very carefully, he raised my chin with his hand, so I couldn't avoid his gaze.

"I know I made mistakes, and that I haven't treated you fairly the last months. But  
now I know, if you hadn't forced me to go to D. C., we probably would have fought  
all the time because I would have blamed you that I couldn't take the job. D. C. has  
shown me what matters to me, what are the most important things in my life."

I held my breath - his blue eyes were so full of love. "You and the kids, you are my  
everything. And I will do everything I can to show you that I meant what I said. I'll  
come back to Seattle," he murmured softly.

"Derek-" I wanted to protest, but he interrupted me.

"I don't want to lose you, Meredith. I don't need the job to be happy. I need you,  
Zola and Bailey. I know that it was wrong to kiss Renee, and if I could I would undo  
it I would, but I can't. So please, let me show you that I'm here for you, that you  
can trust me."

I was sure that he was telling the truth, but I didn't know if I could ever trust him  
the way I did before. We had promised each other to not run away, but I needed  
time to think about what he had said.

"I should go to work." I whispered. "You can pick up the kids, they miss you."

He sighed. "I miss them too." A long silence began to fill the space.

"Should I cook something for you and the kids today?" He finally asked, looking at  
me uncertainly.

"That'd be great." I smiled for a moment. The kids needed time with their father.

"Any requests?" he asked.

"No, Derek, I can't, can't pretend as if everything is fine. You kissed her. I-"

He took a deep breath. "I don't expect you to forgive me immediately. I know that  
it needs time. Please let me show you that I love you, that I'm here now."

"I'll try." I bit my lower lip. "Would you mind sleeping in the guest room?"

It seemed as if he hadn't expected that question, but I couldn't imagine him  
sleeping next to me. He hadn't slept with her, but he had kissed her. It wasn't as if  
nothing had happened between them.

Finally, he nodded. "Sure." He seemed resigned, but he agreed nonetheless.

I put on my jacket and shoes, and went to the Hospital.


End file.
